Tonight I Wanna Cry

“…having your mood go lower and lower till it’s all the way at the bottom means you have no choice but to make it go up.”

-    Okamoto Keito

It is just a typical night that I spend alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

What to do?

I’d just gazing out like usual, struggling to fight the boringness but failed. Reading a book, listening music, browsing some fanfic, or typing random words on my laptop, expressing inaudible rant which I buried inside me.

I am tired.

Oh, actually I don’t know what kind of emotion I have right now. I just start living alone about two weeks ago, but I already get this strange feeling which making me always wants to go home. I love doing things on my own, I like spacing out, I hate noise. Shouldn’t it be perfect for me to live by myself?

I thought like that first. But it much lonely when mom not around. No one would interrupt my deep slumber early in the morning. No one would nag at me when I skip meal. No one would disturb my peaceful time browsing Japanese stuff. No one would order me around. Lastly, no one to talk to.

How lonely…

This afternoon when I was in melancholic mode on, I went out and take some drive. My real plan was just to buy some groceries, since I have nothing in my room and I need to eat dinner—or else my ‘gaining weight’ program won’t be success again this year.

 

"...when you're sad, you kind of get that image of someone letting their tears pour out while running towards the setting sun..."

- Inoo Kei.

I head to west. Lifting up my face straight staring at the orange vast sky, my eyes blinded by the sunlight but I don't care. I drove slowly enjoying the sensation of setting sunlight hitting my eyes. I do love sunset since I can remember and sometime it hurt me. For me, sunset is time when the sky reflecting longing and homesickness. The crowded road didn't make it better, knowing they were all hurry on way to own house made me sad even more.

Since I was young, wherever I came to sleep over, I always take time to stare at the sunset. I kind of having a pattern in mind that sunset is the time when people remember their one love. So, I can't let that moment pass. Up until now, I still love gazing at the orange sky in the evening, imagining the smiling face of people I love.

Family. Do you realized that sunset is the happiest time for some normal family? They would wait for father to come back for work and preparing to have dinner together. The feeling when you see him opening the fence gate and you are standing at the entrance door saying "Welcome home". isn't it nice?

In other condition, parents wait waits for their children to come back from school. Some are come to fetch at the station or some more waiting at home with delicious meal serve. Isn't it the nice feeling ever? Knowing that there's people waiting for you, hoping you to go home safe.

But, even if there's people who miss me, I can't go home. That reality strike me hard. Somewhat I regret going out at sunset. When people were coming back, I might be the only one who has different destination.

I look up at the sky above me and sighed deep. Even the birds are coming back to their nest.

Like homeless. Pathetic.

After sometime, I found myself parking my motorbike in front my old share house. I didn’t know how but somewhat I end up driving there. I didn’t plan to go there in the first place. I was just feeling like driving and I realize that I didn’t really have a place where I wanted to go. I don’t like travelling after all. I follow the road with blank thought and somehow in that half-conscious mind I was being guided there.

So then, (again) I found myself standing in front door, hesitating about knocking or just going back—just like that. But because the journey was quite long, I decide to at least ‘say hello’ to them, considering it as a short visit.

We talked about random things. They asked how I was doing, I’m glad they concern me, but it made me sad even more, knowing that I’m no longer together with them. I was happy they asked me to stay for the night, but it impossible for me. I couldn’t stay long though, I went there kinda late and I have to go back before Magrib prayer.

It was sad, but I should leave…

There, the moment I step out the house, the agonizing loneliness enveloping me again…

and I have no choice, going back and staying alone again for the night.

But...

I can’t let myself sulk forever, right? Saa~ gonna light it up! I know exactly what I need. Chocolate!

I hope it would help.

Oyasumi~