There it is.
The feeling. That inconvenient things has come invading my mind again.
Everyday. Almost every single day since the beginning of December, my mood has gone worst. Worse and worsen as the day pass, going upside down until in reach the lowest rung.
I admit it. I need people to support me at this rate. So I write...
"I am feeling down. Would you hear my story?"
on Facebook, email, in my phone.
But then laugh at myself. To whom would I deliver that message?
Yes, I have.
But I just not use to talk about my feeling to them. I don't know.
I have four of them.
Okay, two of them has grown up. But still, it feels so wrong to talk to them about my feeling.
They have their own business. Near or far are the same. I always feel that they are far of my reach, I can't embrace or cry on their shoulder like what I always want to do. I don't feel right to talk to them. It's like there's some kind of barrier between us. I don't think they could even understand me.
Yeah, I have them.
But I can't easily trust people. I talk to them one time. That matter supposed to be our secret only. But then I know that the other eventually know about it. Though the topic wasn't really dangerous or anything. But what I see is confidential. There's no such a thing among us maybe?
I can't stand it.
Once I entrust it as a secret, then it must be kept as it is. No matter it was just a trivia thing like "don't tell anyone that I give you a candy today". It would not be a problem if the other know, but still... confidential!
I was just testing them that time. So now I believe I should not come crying to them.
I sighed, and read the line again.
I remove the text from my phone, save it as a draft in email, cut it from facebook and paste into blog.
So here it is...
"would you hold my hand, say you understand my pain?"