Monday, July 1, 2013

Awkward Love Story



Disclaimer


Keeping love in your own sure is hard. Isn’t it?

Do you ever feel like this? Then we are same. I currently and always admired this one. Someone who is really close to me. The only one that I never forget to mention the name in my pray. That someone… let’s just called by 7.

It was just an ordinary night when I felt like insomnia. I’m used to it though, it’s not my habit to sleep early. I wasn’t doing anything, just laying on my bed while staring at the empty ceiling, humming my current favorite song. I closed my eyes and tried to catch a dream by imagining something funny, and unexpectedly, the shadow of someone that I know very well sneaked into it. 7.


I sighed deeply. Opened my eyes and reached my mobile just to check for the time. I bet it was late, because the atmosphere was silent and all light had been turn off. I put back the phone and deceived my feeling. No, I’m not missing

But the mind and the heart weren’t cooperate. I had to admit that I want to see 7. It been few days I didn’t hear anything about 7. I was busy with myself and forgot 7. Now in this empty night, it made me want to talk with 7, remembering the last time I had with 7, it really warmed my heart. I want to see 7 right now!

What are you doing now? With whom are you there? Did you have dinner?

I laughed at myself, realizing that I sounded like a possessive girlfriend. I check the clock again. Would it be okay if I call now?
 
My thought started flying again. Jumping for time to time when I was with 7, how our relation goes very well and stuck sometimes. When we laughed and fought. When 7 told me some story with sparkling eyes and when I saw the palms covered face, hiding the sadness that reflect on it. 

I remember moments when I tried to make 7 happy. Time when I tried to carry away the sadness that 7 cover up. Time when I cheered 7 up on the hard days. Favorite food, interesting story, funny photos, concerning act, valuable info, I managed to get it sometimes. I even happier than 7 itself when I saw those smiling eyes.

I want to see it again… now!

But… Does 7 miss me? Did 7 ever think about me? Does 7 care about me? Is it just my one side love? Did 7 even see me?

Filling by those unbearable feeling, I get anxious every day. I can’t keep it any longer. I’m no longer satisfied by just taking care for 7 from the back. I want 7 to notice me. So that night, I gathered my courageous and texted 7, in order to confess my feeling.

The reply came quite late. I was disappoint at first, thinking that 7 ignoring me. I got all excited when my phone rang and I saw 7’s name on the screen. I smiled and set up my plan. I began with a small conversation asking about 7 whereabouts and condition. It might seem light, but I do care, it’s not just a random greeting for me.

The chat went smooth, but the more I try to bring up the main topic, the more I feel anxious. I was afraid, really. Before I decided to make a confession, I didn’t think about the possible reaction that 7 would give me. How is 7 don’t take it serious? How if 7 think I’m joking? How if 7 pretend not to care? and the worst, how if 7 reject my feeling?

I was trembling when I imagine the possibility. I had never thought that to confess love could be this hard. The mind keep telling me not to go, it warned me by another scary thought. 

If I did confess to 7, would I be able to face 7 again? Would I be able to talk to 7 normally afterward? Could I bear with the pain if 7 reject me? Could I remove my feeling if 7 ask to do so? Could I stay admiring 7 if 7 laughed at me when I confess? Could I act normally afterward if 7 said has no feeling toward me? Would my love turn into hate if 7’s attitude toward me changed after my confession? Could I behave like nothing happened if 7 suggest me to stop my love? Would I be able to hold my tears if 7’s respond not as nice as I wish? Would I still eat properly if 7 dump me? (Of course, I would! The more I stressed the more I get appetite). 

I worried too much, I knew, but it wasn’t stop there. Without stopping the chat, I started to think from 7’s side.

Would 7 still want to see me? Would 7 still talk to me? Would 7 still smile to me when me meet? Would 7 still want to be in my concern? Would 7 still saying “thanks” to me if I do I favor? Would 7 act cold to me afterward? Would 7 avoid me? Would 7 ask me to forget everything? Would 7 cut our current relationship? Would 7 jump into well after hearing my confession? (Okay, it’s getting weird, I’ll stop here).

The night was getting late. I knew I have to stop the chat soon because it was already time to off to dreamland. However, I should decide between telling the truth or keep hiding it. I was tired by my own wandering thought and my thumb was getting numb too. I didn’t count how many message I had sent, but I was relief 7 not a type who replied instantly which mean I had no time to rest my thumb. I’m not into texting after all. 

Checking the watch once again, I realized I should end it soon or 7 would be the one who do that, and it sure a minus for me. I start and 7 end, I would think that 7 bored with me, even if it wasn’t the reason 7 cut it. 

After a long pray, I made up my mind and took a deep breath. 7, please be kind to me! I will tell you something really serious. I wish for my luck once again. Even if you don’t feel the same way, at least please respect me. I sighed and calling for my courage which was flying around the ceiling. 

I read 7 last reply and type phrases which different from previous topic, I would get 7 away from feeling sleepy before I convey my feeling. Hope that 7 would read my next message in fully awake and understand it well, I couldn’t take it if 7 misread thing because the eyes were half-opened. I was sure I would be the one who get mad and hide if thing end that way. I can’t play dumb the next day if he do re-read the message and get the meaning. As if it would happen! Why did I think 7 would care anyway? (Now I become pessimistic).

And then… I typed that phrase…

I won’t tell you the sentence. It just a simple one, I tried really hard not to create a long phrase. I also didn’t use the very-old-fashion-and-ordinary-confession style as “I love you” or “I like you”, I want a different theme and deep meaning into it so I create my own. I don’t like the word “like” because for me it has a doubtful meaning.  I didn’t put my feeling into those word because I want 7 to conclude it, and it cause me almost an hour for the reaction.

I waited…

Patiently…

I stared at the ceiling blankly. Wondering what was 7 doing. Maybe 7 was laughing while rolling on the floor after reading my confession words. But no! From the previous message I knew 7 wasn’t indoor (then 7 was rolling on the grass and I prayed for mosquitoes attack if 7 really did that!), or yes already if 7 got home without telling me (why would 7 tell me anyway?). 

Without I realized, tears already streaming on my cheeks. Why did I cry, huh? Even before 7 gave me a word. I was in pain. I was sure the result wouldn’t be good. Let just sleep and forget about it, 7 might had travel somewhere!

Until…

“That’s normal.”

I got that kind of reply. I was stunned. Did 7 read my message properly? I became furious.

Of course, it’s normal, I knew it very well! Loving people is human nature and no way it could be considered as a crime! I’m not crazy or something, I fully aware when I told you this! Are you stupid?

Tears started to flow again from the corner of my eyes. I closed it both and tried hard to endure my sobbing. 
No, I shouldn’t cry! This is suck. In my imagination, I saw my heart stop throbbing, its color became dark and pale, dried. Then slowly it broke into pieces and destroyed perfectly by just that silly and ridiculous comment from 7. I could only hold my chest, detecting the uneven heartbeat and praise because it words not actually killed me. If it did, then I would be record as the silliest person ever!

Are you playing dumb? It was hurtful than I thought. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way as I do. But, don’t you have any better words to say? Like “Thank you for all,” or “I feel really sorry I don’t do the same way”. Shouldn’t you be grateful knowing there’s someone caring you? Oh yes, that because you are so adorable and everyone loves you, so you don’t think need to be thankful to me.

(7 not the kind of that person. I know it, I know it very well. 7 might just shock to get love confession from me, a senseless and expressionless type of living creature as me. I’m sure 7 didn’t know how to react, and 7 managed to respond it as flat as possible.)

Like I said, I became seriously mad. I replied with a “goodnight” and put my phone away from the bed. 

Somehow, the room looked narrower than it sized.

The conclusion is: My first confession got horrible result.

Now I really have to think about seeing 7 again or disappear forever!
Ah, let’s just sleep!

 ***

Good night~