This is the last evening…
…my last evening as 20 years old.
I’m growing old. By this midnight, I’ll get a number added on my age. I’ll get older by a year.
I’m not happy.
People say that girls hate aging. Maybe it’s true. But that’s not the thing I’m afraid about birthday. Beside growing old, I’m very aware that birthday means my life gets shorten. Every single year as the March comes, my heart is in wonder; will I pass my birthday this year? How I’ll be doing on that sacred date? Will I still be here, breathing and smiling? In short, March 27 reminds me of death.
Each year, as the date flying nearer, I can’t help but to think of what I’ve done this whole year. Have I prepared for death? I always ask myself the same question. How if Allah says that my life should end tonight? Will I get a happy ending?
I recall crying during midnight, thinking of the deeds I’ve done the whole year. Will it save me from the fire? A mystery I’ll never know the answer until the day comes.
Tonight is my last day as 20 years old Ajran Nura. My teens had passed. The number 20 that I resent will also be gone tonight. The #20 who stole my teens…
I’m growing older…
By tomorrow, an uninvited #1 will proudly stand after #2 in my age identity. I haven’t even gotten used to 20 yet. But without I realize, another year has come. I’m stepping into adulthood, the burden I carry on my shoulder will eventually get heavier.
…and I’m nearing my death.
Beside self-reflection, I also serve the night before my birthday to think about what I’ve gotten in this year. The great times, the best people I’ve met and made some good memories with.
Every blessing Allah has showered me.
As for this year, I notice one thing. It’s been a year I don’t write. I didn’t even write a thing about this sacred night last year, which is too bad because I actually made a perfect plan for my birthday as the first year of adulthood.
Last year, I want to woke up at home and greet my parents the first thing in the morning. I want to meet with sunrise and drive slowly to university, and finally, I want to watch the sunset at beach, my favorite face of the sky.
Allah granted all of my prayers. He let me have everything I want on my birthday last year. I was loved, I know. Allah never fails His promise. He said he’ll answer our prayer, and He does.
Come to think about this one year I live after stepping out the teenage zone, I experienced many awesome things. I’ve made some good friends, got to learn how to survive outside my comfort zone and being more sociable. I’m not graduating from being an introvert, maybe never. However I’ve learned how to connect with more people in life.
I’ve got my share of bad memories too. There was time when I was so depressed and thinking about giving up. I was in great loss, I lost my confidence, I lost hope, I didn’t believe anyone and thought that my life was a waste. I wanted to surrender myself and stop fighting for my dreams.
But somehow, I survived those hard days and comeback to live…
There’s no other answer for that except that Allah loves me and he is giving me another opportunity to try and realizing my dreams.
People around me may think of me as a bother, as well my dream is irrational and impossible to make true. Perhaps, no one would even bother to support me.
But as long as Allah is with me, I believe I can make everything come into reality. To achieve that, maybe I need to let go of things I love. When you want something, you sometimes need to give things in exchange. That’s just the rule of life. But I believe if Allah says I should let go of something, maybe that’s not the best for me.
This year, I will not set any new goal. I’d still stand on my feet to fight for my looooong dreams. This is not yet time to give up. From now on I’ll decide of what I set as my priority and what will follow.
For everyone who has been with me for these 20 years, I’m very thankful to you all. For my eternal love, my parents and my great family, I’m very thank you. I can’t say it by words. For you who have been there since the day I was born.
My parents and grandparents, you all have loved me since I was still a baby who puke and pee on you (I believe diapers didn’t exist in my childhood). You loved me despite I was such a crybaby (still goes on I guess), and you still keep me no matter I grow up as a troublesome girl.
For my sisters and brother, my source of motivation and stressors.
My uncles and aunts the perfect interlocutor and make me laugh most of the time.
My cousins, who is so annoying but cute, my ultimate playmates.
There’s no word enough to express my gratitude to you all.
For my best friends, who has been staying by my side until now, even if I am such a moody, annoying and mysterious (you said) creature, you still let me stick to you. I’m also thank you that you always try to understand me (though maybe you’re forcing yourself to do so and doing your best holding up your anger to not explode and blow up at me).
For all this time we we’re together, for all memories we’ve made together, for the hard times you’ve help me gone through; THANK YOU.
And if I don’t live longer, please forgive all the mistakes I’ve made when I was hungry, mad, or simply was in my period.
Somewhere in this world,
March 26, 2015